yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
