I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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