I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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