i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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