I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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