Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
