he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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