Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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