I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
