Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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