I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
