Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
