Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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