dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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