glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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