Your face is a jimmy john
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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