She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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