I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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