Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
