i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
