We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
