i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
