i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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