Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize