Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
