if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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