i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i think i just lost a toe
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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