Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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