So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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