genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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