I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
