I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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