Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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