well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
