FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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