This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
