Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
