yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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