Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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