Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
