Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
