peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
