Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
