I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
