is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
