someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
