nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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