My friends, they love my intelligence
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
