this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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