she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
