Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
