I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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