DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
